honestly, i have no idea where i am. i feel as if somehow a gang of moroccan slave traders somehow managed to bamboozle me years ago, and have me captive. all the while convinced that what i was doing was The Right Thing, because my soul was still mine and my principles werent sold out. come to find out i dont have a soul to begin with, and a whole different set of principles have been comprimised without even realizing it. all the time i wasnt selling out, i was also not learning anything, or getting any valuable experiences, and so here i am. in a hole, with no real way out. no you idiots, dig UP.

i think i’m finally realizing there IS no beach. no tourism. no margaritas.

it seems more and more the list of potential bars i’ve fought outside of grows longer. i seriously consider acting on my scary thoughts. i get easily fed up with the crap thats being fed me:

every time a cell rings in a movie theatre, i inch ever closer to the moment i stand up, walk to the individual, and chuck their phone as far as i can from them, the more shards the better. when the same individuals cell rings for the second or third time, things begin to get dangerous. i’m not certain whether it would be an assault charge, or a theft charge, or both. or whether the individual hitting me as a result of their airborne phone would warrant the self defense plea when i really do some damage. oh well. maybe soon i’ll find out.

i ran out of nyquil tonite, and went to the store for more. ok so i ran out a couple nights ago but wanted to consume some tonite, since i feel the cold ive been waylaying for the last few months gaining ground. i had one item, and cash, so i hit up the express lane. people with considerably more than 15 items, writing a check. so i hop to the next lane, only to find out that the customer whose groceries were being rung up had since ran for sour cream. i’m not kidding, his groceries were being rung up, and he WENT BACK FOR SOUR CREAM. then he pulled out a wad of bills from his pocket, and had considerable trouble laying out the $20, the $5 and the $1. all in all, the express lane whizzed by me, person after person. i’ve begun to notice looks of fear and concern towards me in moments like that from passersby.

anger is probably not healthy in large quantities, especialy with no outlet other than saying “fuck fuck FUCK.”

i bought a nice cheap digital camera, too bad i’ve got nothing to take pictures of, since i’m not on the beach anymore. on the other hand, itll be easier keeping sand out of the USB port.

sorry, had to go make some tea. i drink alot of tea nowadays. ok, so perhaps i’m using the term tea loosely (ha, no pun intended). its all herbal: mint, sandman PM, good earth, fennel, etc. so are you smoking full time now? last few things i’ve read have been pretty heavy on the smoking references.

interesting reading habits of late. ive read xmen issue #94 to #161, Batman: Year One, The Dark Night Returns, and several calvin and hobbes treasuries. i really like comics. been drawing more lately too, and thinking of doing a graphic novel.

ack, i need to go to bed, or at least maybe some Catcher in the Rye before sleep.

jer (phil is dead. i do find it rather interesting tho that i describe myself as being in a hole, yet the name you picked for me is ‘fill’, or did i pick it? ive lost track)