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in penance for having believed this i unveil the following initiative:

methods:

1. all transport is muscular. more effectiveness with more difficulty. carry at least one excessive item. it will be purified.

2. document everything. note locations. take photographs. fires can start anywhere. nuclear weapons and earthquakes. memory will lie to you. audio recordings are useful, especially when attempting to reconstruct drunken experiences.

3. avoid sunlight. avoid sleep. morning will drive you mad. prolong it as long as possible. watch out for ice weasels.

1. dead ends. since it is metaphysically impossible for anything to be a dead end, those streets that appear to end are often concealing something. locate and study them. they are the entrances and exits of the maze. revisit as necessary.

2. spatiotemporal discontinuities. these are regions where it is possible to navigate in a non-Euclidean manner. some cities are known to contain more of these than others. nontoriously difficult to map: they must be located physically.

3. route optimization. no routes - specifically those between bars, caffes, and music venues - are equal. distance is irrelevant. instead, try optimizing for nonquantifiable variables. it can be useful to include landmarks that are easily remembered when intoxicated. cross rivers frequently. avoid subways. (if you must take them remember to stare. see phase 4.) alternate routes should be employed frequently, during different seasons, weather conditions, moon phases, etc.

4. inhabitant categorization. one of the most useful methods of navigation is to observe the locals. many travelers have found their way home simply by noticing a particular haircut or a style of shoe. document the demeanor and appearance of the indigents in their natural habitat. note that it is often necessary to take measurements on different nights in case one is dealing with migratory species. do not be afraid to stare and point cameras at people. do not miss any opportunities for verbal interaction. accept delays. do not go anywhere in particular.

5. defeat gravity. it is often possible to ascend into the air by means of buildings, trees, cars, construction equipment, etc. when bicycling, vertical movement is best achieved on hills. conventional wisdom suggests that such victories are transitory. punch it in the face when it says that. this is why you must document all climbs. when dealing with the occupants of tall buildings you may have to display some finesse in getting to the roof. prominent display of your documentation tools is helpful.

6. functional appropriation of space. walk on median strips. play chess in bars and on fire escapes. play stringed instruments in residential districts. run windsprints in grocery stores. in all likelihood everyone has forgotten what the space was for in the first place.

7. dimensional reorganization. this is the final phase. the most difficult, and it will only get harder. the goal is to find points where coordinate systems become scrambled. in other words, get lost. do not return until you have done so.

• for each successful completion of a phase: 2^N points where N is the phase number
• for each picture in which the subject can be distinguished: 2 points
• for each picture in which the subject is visible but unrecognizable: 8 points
• for each half hour of audio: 4 points


• for each tenth hour of audio generated by a local inhabitant: 8 points

somewhere in the city there is a particular place and a particular time, and if you happen to be there at those coordinates and say certain inappropriate words you will win a free trip to Earth, a small ball of dirt and water in the Milky Way.